Thursday, March 4, 2010

Let's see how much I can whine...

Have you ever had a day you just feel like you’re constantly suffocating? It feels like a constant panic attack. And on those days, I would give anything to stand on top of the tallest building possible and scream at the top of my lungs.
I’ve had a lot of that feeling lately. I try to wake up every day with a good attitude but lately it’s become an internal battle. I know I'm blessed. I get incredibly frustrated with myself when I feel so "woe is me" because I know it doesn't help anything.
I'm sure ya'll can see the dilema...I'm already sad. Then I get mad at myself for being sad because I know I'm blessed and should be grateful for the things I have. Then I'm sad again because I know better than to waste my time being angry, especially when I'm so lucky. And then I'm mad again because I'm only human and if I'm sad or mad then so be it!! It's not right or wrong, it's just an emotion everyone has the right to feel and I shouldn't feel guilty about it but I do. (Now I don't know about ya'll, but I'm exhausted.)
I have worked hard the past couple years to get my life back to “normal” after going through a bad breakup. I try to take the lessons I learned with me and leave the bad stuff in the past. But honestly, as any bad breakup would, it changed me in some ways. Most of the changes are good. But the one change I hate is that I don’t trust people (or myself) like I used to.
A lot has changed in the recent years and I was so consumed in a miserable job that I didn't really notice anything else until I stopped working. I didn't realize how much I miss having a group of girlfriends. I still have my girls, but it’s not the same when they’re all in a relationship.
More times than not, I find myself being the tag along, which is good with me most of the time. But I do miss the Sunday night dinners, the big group of us going out and I miss being stupid and silly. We used to have sleepovers, lazy days together and last minute random nights out. It’s just not like that anymore. We were never the type of girls who went out to meet fact, it was always our goal to be "those girls." The ones you want to be friends with because they're just having way too much fun. And most nights, we succeeded! I miss those days so much sometimes my heart hurts.
Lately, it seems like things have just gotten so complicated. On top of missing my girlfriends, I miss having guy friends. It seems like anytime I become friends with a guy, it turns into a game of “oh he likes you!” and so forth. 90% of the time they don’t actually like me “like that.” Do they like me? Of course. They better like me if I’m gonna be their friend! But it gets really old having to explain that “this guy and I are just friends.” And then I become so paranoid about leading a guy on that I miss out on a great friendship.
A friend of mine told me recently that I’m “weird with guys.” And there is nothing I don’t want to be more than that. That’s not me. At least, it didn’t use to be. This is the exact reason why I love being friends with my friend’s significant others. There’s never any complication of “oh he likes you!” They're easy friendships. In my mind, I’ve become their little sister. And while I love having them as brothers, it’s not like they’re really “my” friends. They’re involved with my friends so they’re my friends by default. Yes, I love them, but it’s not like I can call them to come to dinner with me or make them come over and hang out with me because I'm bored.
I feel guilty for posting this. There are so many areas of my life that are absolutely fabulous and yet here I am, whining about the things that aren't. But I'm hoping that putting it in writing will help me get it outta my system so I can move on and focus again on what is actually fabulous.

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