Tuesday, May 31, 2011

An Ugly Post...

I wrote this post over the weekend and have been debating whether it's a good idea to post it or not. At the end of the day, this is my blog, these are my feelings and I think maybe it's time to put them out there instead of bottling everything up (like I tend to do.)
Over the weekend, I woke up angry. Just irrationally and irately angry. I spent most of the day Saturday trying to figure out why when I actually already knew the reason. Have ya'll ever done that?? I'm warning you now, this is gonna be ugly and pathetic...
I have spent the past few years of my life watching my friends move on with their lives. They've grown up, fallen in love, gotten married, found great jobs, and done everything we're supposed to do at our age.
It's been almost 4 years since my ex left me. Please understand, this was not a "normal" breakup. My ex moved out in June. At the time, we had been together over 2 1/2 years. For 4 months, I believed him when he called me and texted me daily to say he loved me. I believed him when he said he wanted to be with me.
At the end of September I found out (with the help of a "mutual" friend) he had actually met a girl when I was on a business trip the previous April and moved in from our place to hers instead of into his cousin's house like he told me. They've since gotten married. I was dumb. I know that.
My life, as a whole, has been 100% better since he's been gone. My friendships are stronger, my family is much happier, and I don't regret for a second that things happened the way they did because, lets face it...I could be walking around like an idiot thinking he's a decent human being.
Back to the point...
I know why I'm angry. For starters, as happy as I am he's out of my life, I don't have closure. (Don't lie...I know ya'll thought I was pathetic when I said it's been 4 years.) I want to know what the HELL the point was of him lying to me. I want to know what the point was of him telling me he loved me for 4 months when he really didn't. I realize it doesn't seem like it, but I'm a strong girl. And I have strong friends. And anyone who is smart should be scared of my family when one of us gets hurt. Ever is the coward who looks me in the eyes and tells me he loves me when he doesn't. I may not know a lot, but I know I deserve better that.
I'm angry because I want to be happy too. I love my friends, please don't get me wrong. They each deserve every single bit of happiness they get and more.
It's a hard and lonely life being single in my world of couples. We've gone from girl's nights every Friday to phone calls and maybe a get together once a month. We've gone from e-mails every day to a text once a week. Statements have gone from "I" to "we." Instead of being the go to "go out" girl, I'm now the dog sitter. Things change. They're supposed to and I know that. Trust me, I feel like a bitch for saying what I'm about to say but I just have to say it...I'm so tired of being happy for everyone else.
Ew. I kinda even hate myself.
This is not where I thought I'd be a few months away from my 30th birthday. Please don't think I'm so pathetic that I've stayed completely single since my breakup. I've dated. I've even had my heart broken since the aforementioned breakup. And like my break-up story illustrates, I've always been the girl easy to forget about. And maybe that's my fault. But it's still a reality and unfortunately, it's my reality.
I was seeing a guy the past few months and I felt things for this guy I didn't ever even feel for my ex. He was good for me. He was smart, funny, sincere, loyal, and attentive. He made me really happy. But just as soon as it happened, it's disappeared.
I'm tired of being heart broken. And I'm tired of being easy to forget about.
I'm blogging about this because I'm at a loss. It's not my style to mention my feelings aloud, let alone write them out on a public blog for the world to see. I don't want pity. And I don't want sadness. I'm a lucky girl to have my family, my friends and my life. I know that.
But I'm in a rut. And I want to know what I can do to change that.

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